i don’t have many friends, in fact, there has been no constants in my life, other than family. kinda resigned to the fact early this year, but it hits me at unexpected times. due to this vacancy, i use to question myself, question if there is something inherently wrong with me. i mean, in everywhere place, there is someone ostracized, and there in most times always a reason, an unspoken one usually, we perceive of that person right? so what is it for me? do i really want to know? or do i already know it, but am just too weak to change it.
but really, caring about all these questions is exhausting. its draining and i become a worse person because i am literally drowning in self-absorption. how am i suppose to pursue what i want, ambitions and ideals of creating connections, how am i suppose to do that if i am looking so much inwardly?
i hate it so much. and i guess, that became what i pursue, as i step into jc. chucking those away, and willing to start anew, with more indifference and maybe it’ll work. indefinitely, i am happier nowadays, but i turn into another problem. as i try to numb those away, i create more defenses around myself, i’m afraid of people, afraid of them seeing me. this ugly piece of mess. as a result, i left ego surface, and ego hurts. it strikes out at people when they care. it distorts their intentions. i became angry and prideful.
in the past, these are not the emotions i feel. they’re passive, but not harmful. at least not harmful to others.
i found myself isolating yet again.
some days it feels okay. ill choose to be indifferent, i mean, its more convenient that way. but some days it consumes me, and i find myself, pacing mindlessly, going up and down lifts repetitively, consume in this repetitive stagnant all-consuming part of emptiness. and it goes on and on and on, for days, stuck in this web of my own creations.
and i don’t want to hurt anyone. i find it difficult to balance between my loneliness and the need to be a good person. what is the limit to which you can put out your needs so it doesn’t step into selfishness? how do i cope with this emptiness, how can i give without any emotions myself? how do i articulate my thoughts, how i feel, if there is no construct in my mind for me to grasp?
some days i hit myself just so i could feel something.
some days i feel like a monster, i don’t think anyone should come near, because my presence is not good.
some days i am ok. i am cheerful (though still not feeling much) and i put other’s needs before mine. and i feel good that im being a responsible human.
but some days i let myself consume myself, and i hurt. i hurt. my inconsistencies threatened, and i think myself undeserving of any relationships.
i feel stuck in a wheel of selfishness. every single thing i do my brain questions if i am doing it for myself. if this is just an extension of my problems i try to stay indifferent too. if by asking for something am i being too needy. am i being too weak. stop being so weak. look at others. they are so strong, having to deal with so many things, yet you can’t even deal with yourself?
i know, i know these are the thoughts i have to ignore, push away.
an advice to me is to not care too much about others’, what you think about yourself, what others think about you, and things become easier. of course it does, doesnt’ it? but at the same time, stumbling into too much indifference may manifest in ugly things too. i need to balance both.