one day after school (16)

Does my self-worth depends on the number of friends

I have? Or ‘friends’

No, I’m not saying we can’t talk,

or they look at me with disdain,

but its the smiles

in front of the doubts,

or doubts I made up.

Four walls and a feeling.

That feeling.

In spite of myself,

I revisit it

again and again.

Now I’m stuck with my tears

My god, what just happened?

Sitting around

feeling the stillness,

trying to figure out the catalyst.

Emptiness is heavy,

oh the irony.

Sincerity, I preach it well,

proud like a parrot.

But I’m stuck in this self-made cage

with the key,

Oh I’m a mess of hypocrisy.

Whatever am I doing?

Scrambling words off given lines,

highlighting ‘notes’

in class

back home shutting up to my mother,

concentrating on my textbooks

worksheets, textbooks worksheets,

pathetically holding on the A’s security.

I’m only 16

I know this is not how its suppose to be.

Graduation day

I will make my parents proud.

But what follows

will be a reflection of my nothingness.

Will I ever be happy?

I backtrack so easily.

I know everyone deserves to be,

but that only happens if you try to earn it.

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