anxiety:

what if you can’t find a team tomorrow? what if you just withdraw into yourself, like how you sometimes do? what if you give in to me tomorrow, wrapping yourself with racing thoughts and numbing yourself? maybe you made the wrong choice, signing yourself up to this. you know you can’t do it alone, because doing good is your form of distraction, your way to create an impression, so when no one is there to see it, you retreat, because you are just not fundamentally sincere about doing good.

— these are the thoughts that are currently running through my head. 8/12/17- the night before the first session of the groundup sandbox program. i feel this heavy feeling that presses down on my chest, blocking out my thoughts so that i find myself sometimes walking about the house without an aim, trying to grab on to things- a phone, a laptop, a book, trying to distract away from this feeling but i know i cannot ignore it. at least i recognise now that what im feeling and thinking is anxiety and i see it as a separate entity.

i realised that all these thoughts of self-doubt always comes when i am faced with a social situation. the last time it happened when i am volunteering and felt awkwardness and thoughts of like you’re not really passionate about helping or you are not genuine in this cause, just pretending, comes up and its stifling, seriously stifling. and then comes a moments where i truly feel the cause and its these moments that slowly made me more aware of this voice of anxiety that tends to dominate me whenever i fail at social situations.

i have some extent of social awkwardness definitely but i definitely know as well that the more i trust myself, and stay grounded, ill be fine because i can be social when i am just relaxed. what im nervous about tomorrow is that it is a long day and what if i burn out, socially, knowing that my social capacity can be pretty short-lived at times.

and oboy, what if i am unable to come up with an idea?

——–

what you’re feeling is very valid if you take a look at the facts:

  1. you’re going as an individual- you have never really get into a project as an individual before so this is a novel experience
  2. you’re trying to do something bigger than yourself and that can be quite scary and i’m sure you have experience of that before and experiences where you continued to move on despite so, so remember that.

notes to self:

  1. approach tomorrow with an open mind, and just welcome the learning experience really- no one expects you to be an expert tomorrow
  2. stay calm and grounded. anxiety will try to convince you that you are not genuine, not true, but you know yourself. actions speak louder than words is the saying, and definitely, your thoughts do not define who you are. we think a varied amount of thoughts, but what you do that comes after deliberating on those thoughts is what truly speaks about you.
  3. uncertainty is real and it is not in your control. so just relax and embrace this experience. besides, you’re not the only one going through the uncertainty. just stay true, and strength will come.

 

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